Losing It!!

My sister once joked that she needed to lose the weight of a small child.

Sadly, I had to lose more than the weight of my 7-year-old (who is in fact the height and weight of a nine-year old child)!
I do love living in a place where people have only known you at your fattest.
When you lose weight, everyone is complimentary and will tell you how good you are looking.
And then you go back to the place where they have known you the longest and the comments are more along the lines of:
“Well, it’s about time!”
Here is my “You know you are fat when…” moment:
I was at a school event when one of the parents commented on my weight loss.
“Wow, you are looking so slim! I am not used to you this way! I always thought of you as voluptuous!”
Now, if you are Marilyn Monroe or Scarlett Johanson, being called voluptuous is a compliment and something to aspire to.

But if you are like me and have the natural shape of a pencil, then being called voluptuous is akin to being told that your blind date is an interesting person with a great personality!!

 

Tsetses and Tics and Mopani Flies, Oh My!

We went out to the bush this weekend to show our family the backside of Mozambique to a beautiful place called Taratibu.

Okay…it wasn’t really that far out and it was a slice of civilized camping. Both sets of parents and the Charles’ were able to stay in small huts with en-suites. The Du Preez’ and ourselves stayed in tents.

Sunday morning we got to watch a family of baboons on their morning jaunt.

We had our biggest Mozambican meeting ever.

We then took a drive to all our favorite spots. During the drive we introduced our guests to tsetse flies. Furious shrieking, slapping, and arm flapping ensued. I managed to squash one with my OFF! insect repellent bottle (that stuff really works!) and made a very pretty (blech!) blood splatter pattern on the window.

We then stopped for lunch at the top of a hill to take in the view and relax and enjoy. Unfortunately, the Mopani flies decided to join us. We didn’t take in much of the view because they buzz incessantly around your eyes, nose, and mouth trying to get the moisture there. They then make a honey out of it. Not something I really want to try. “Come get your fresh eye and nose jam!”

The driving was quite jarring at times and throughout the trip Franklyn was channelling Elvis as he was feeling “All Shook Up”.

It was a short trip but we had a good time.

It wasn’t until later that we realised we had also brought home souveneirs. I got a text the next day saying that the Du Preez had found tics! We all did thourough body searches and 5 of us had them. We all felt crawly for the next few days and a couple of us found others that we had missed the first time.

Here at “Kells Adventure Tours” we want to leave you with an experience you will never forget.

It will either be awesome or awful…but you won’t forget it!

We Import everything!!

THE CONTAINER

THE CONTENTS

AND THE WORKMEN TO PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER AND FIX STUFF

“Walk like a man, talk like a man…”

I am not petite.

I am not small.

I am not average. (I do not like green eggs and ham!)

I am a man-sized woman.

I have often been mistaken for a man…with my hair femininely done…in a skirt…and heels.

So, I guess it stands to reason that I also sweat like a man and, to add insult to injury, smell like one at times! No sweet-smelling glowing going on around here!!

I have a husband who is extremely secure in his manhood and has taken on a wife that is the polar opposite of cute-little-pocket-sized-curvy-girly-girl.

What he didn’t sign on for was Man-scented Wife.

But I have a Secret…or I did until I ran out of it about 6 months ago.

I have travelled the world and one thing has become clear. There is only one antiperspirant for me!!

After many months of my husband telling me I smell every time I exert myself in any small way, I am again stocked up on Secret deodorant. And it works like nothing else. Dayne can attest to this since I  have been shoving my armpits in his face and telling him to smell the last few days.

I can now play a full tennis game in the hot sun without having to stay at least a metre away from anyone immediately afterward for fear they may expire from the B.O.

Secret: “Strong enough for a man but made for a woman”

And over-sized She-Hulks!

Look out below!

This sign makes me laugh every time I see it. It is just outside the parking lot at Dayne’s office.

 

I had seen “beware of dog” but I never guessed there could be vicious mangos.

As amusing as it is, it can be pretty dangerous during mango season as they have many trees in the yard. There is a constant thudding as they fall on the aluminum roofs of the camp housing and there have been casualties! A couple windshields have been smashed and cars dented.

Know Your Place

I was turning right at an intersection.

There was a car in the outside lane so I decided that I was okay to turn into the inside lane. As soon as I did, the other driver laid on the horn for at least 10 seconds. I can see that he thought I had done something wrong. When I didn’t show any remorse for my actions, he proceeded to follow me until I stopped at the next intersection.

As my window isn’t working, I stepped out, knowing that I was in for a severe tongue lashing. He starts telling how I was going to cause an accident and how I have to drive better. I explain that there are two lanes. He had the outside and I had the inside.

As we are arguing about who is in the wrong, I notice that the driver and all the passengers are wearing uniforms. Hmmm…I have managed to offend a Very (Self)Important Person here!

When I refused to admit any sort of guilt, he finally sped off with a “VOCE!!”(YOU!!).

I later saw him chatting with some men outside the Governor’s Mansion.

Upon further reflection, I realised he was absolutely right about me being in the wrong.

NOTE TO SELF: People who drive whilst under the influence of EGO require the whole road (in this case, 2 lanes) at all times.

Top Chef

I had the girls (hey! We are still young at heart!) over for breakfast one Saturday. When they arrived, we started cooking. Since I was getting a few things organised, I asked Vanessa to mix the crepes for me. Things got rolling and it wasn’t too long before we were sitting down to a yummy meal. By this time I was truly ready for my second breakfast (you shouldn’t cook on an empty stomach!). As I brought the first bite up to my face, I caught a whiff of lemon. I thought that was fairly odd as the recipe had no lemon in it but then thought that I must be mistaken. I bit down and my mouth filled with a strong, lemony flavour that tasted like…

Me: Vanessa! What did you put in these pancakes!

Van: I put sugar, milk, flour, oil..

Me: What kind of oil!

Van: The oil from the cupboard.

Me: SHOW ME!!

She goes and pulls out the oil and my suspicions are confirmed.

Me: EVERYONE STOP EATING RIGHT NOW!!

Everyone quickly starts spitting out bits of crepe, while staring at the crazy woman shouting at them.

It really did look like regular oil…if you didn’t look at all at the label…with the mosquito exed out on it…and ignored the overpowering citronella scent.

In Vanessa’s defence, my maid had made the same mistake and put the “goodby mozzie citronella torch oil” in the food cupboard.

The rest of us had a great laugh while Vanessa was mortified and sure she had poisoned us all.

She has by now resigned herself to the inevitable teasing and oil jokes that will follow her for the next year or so.

Here is Bekki showing off the offending oil.

 

 

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